13, unlucky for some.....

So I havent written on here for a while. Ive been kind of trying to not think about my ED and have put it in a little box and stored it away so I can pretend it doesnt exist. Not to try and get rid of it, but to forget about it for a little while as Im sick of it sucking out every last piece of energy I have. Im sick of it controlling my life all the time.
I allowed myself to have a nice xmas, as it was the first I had spent with my family and not having to work in a good few years and I really enjoyed it. I ate, drank, and was merry.
Inevitably, I put on weight and I tried to be ok with it, and tried to convince myself that it was ok, it was perfectly normal, and that so many other people around the world were feeling exactly the same about piling on the pounds over xmas.
I decided, as most people do, to start back on the diet in the new year.....however I have now re-started the diet about 5 times if not more as my willpower has gone on a very long holiday and I dont know how to get in contact with it.
Ive kept telling myself its ok, Im only human, and that I will get back on track and this time I'll do it healthilly and try to be easier on myself. In the back of my head though all along Ive known that Id end up suddenly crashing and burning and giving in to the evil voice of my ED and this last week I have done.
I started making mysef sick a couple of times again last week. And then since Saturday, Ive spiralled back out of control and all I can think about is binging and purging again. I am so, so , so, so unbelievably sick of all this. Why did I ever start it all off?
On Jan 15th, I turned 26 years old. Not only did I feel crap as it scared the hell out of me as it meant I am that little bit closer to being old or dying [Ive developed an unhealthy obsession with being scared of me and people close to me dying] but it meant that as I started with my ED at the age of 13, that I have now wasted HALF OF MY LIFE on this stupid illness. 13 years. I cant believe Ive let i go on so long, that its controlled me for so long and that its still not feeling any better.
Id give anything to go back 13 years and tell myself not to do it, to beg myself not to go through with it and maybe make my life better. But i suppose so many things in my life would hav been different if Id not have started all this. And who knows what would be different right now?
Anyway Im waffling about things I cant change so Im going to stop borig you and go and find something else to do.

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