So I went for a lovely meal with one of my best mates and my gorgeous little god daughter yesterday and it wasnt too bad. I had a carvery, and didnt deprive myself, had roasties and yorkshire pud etc and was feeling ok about it [thinking in back of my head that I wouldnt eat for the rest of the day] and then my mate decided to order pudding. Im not usually a big fan of pudding or anything sweet really, but my willpower has gone awol the last few weeks so I gave in and had a ridiculously choclatey, gooey, creamy pudding. Then the paranoia set in, there were a group of blokes eating in the same place, all laughing and having a good time, most probably because its xmas, but I started thinking it was because they were all looking at me and thinking 'Wow look at the size of her! She really didnt need to order dessert!'
Next stop was the toilets to try and get rid of all the crap Id eaten, but the toilets were full! Then when they quietened down, I started to try and make myself sick, but then a toilet flushed and I realised somebody was in there and then I found it totally impossible to be sick. Just couldnt do it.
I went straight to my counseller from there. And as expected, she could tell I was allover the place and tried to do some relaxation with me. It kind of settled me a bit but I find it so, so hard to relax. We discussed ways I could try to start relaxing a bit more, and I said that one of the most relaxing things for me is swimming........however, I dont dare swim in my hometown incase I see somebody I know. Im like a fish on holiday, I love it so much. Ive only been swimming once in the lst 9/10 years in my local pool and that was last year with my mate and my god daughter...I held her infront of my stomach the whole time! My counseller, N, has thrown the idea to me that I should try to challenge myself to at least go to the swimming baths and walk in there, even if I dont make it to the changing rooms. I'll have to see in the new year.
But it makes sense. I love swimming so much, why should I deprive myself?
Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all, and heres to an exciting, hope filled New Year in 2010!
Lots of love, Sam xxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Aaaarrrrgggggggggghhhhhh Willpower where ru?
I knew today was going to be a bad day...
I went for a lovely lunch with my bro's girlfriend and was in a crappy mood so was expecting to eat piles and piles of food to comfort myself. I wasnt as bad as I thought I would be but I did order a really stodgy meal with chips : BAD BAD BAD
Anyway, I went home feeling very full and very guilty for not choosing something healthier. But I was still scared enough by being ill the past few weeks to not dare make myself sick. So off I trotted to walk my dog in the snow to burn some calories. I felt much better after that and promised myself not to have anything else to eat or to at least only have some home made veg soup if I had to....
Cut to later on when my stomach thinks my throats been cut and my good old dad offers me a huge sausage roll he'd bought me for lunch not realising I was out. Bless him, I felt so guilty saying no to him that I had to have it....well that led to me eating a huge pork pie, some pringles, some nuts and some cheese on toast. And then amazingly I started to feel full. HA, I cant even binge properly anymore!
So I just made myself sick after pacing around for a while petrified I was going to die leaning over the toilet but not quite scared enough to not do it. I do have a bit of pain at the moment but nothing to worry about. I hope.
I was hoping to go on the treadmill aswell just to get rid of a few more calories but I left it so late to eat anything that it would be way too noisy this late :(
Im climbing up the walls wondering what I can do to burn some calories!
Roll on seeing my ED counsellor tomorrow...although I have another lunch to get through before I see her!
Bloody Christmas!
I went for a lovely lunch with my bro's girlfriend and was in a crappy mood so was expecting to eat piles and piles of food to comfort myself. I wasnt as bad as I thought I would be but I did order a really stodgy meal with chips : BAD BAD BAD
Anyway, I went home feeling very full and very guilty for not choosing something healthier. But I was still scared enough by being ill the past few weeks to not dare make myself sick. So off I trotted to walk my dog in the snow to burn some calories. I felt much better after that and promised myself not to have anything else to eat or to at least only have some home made veg soup if I had to....
Cut to later on when my stomach thinks my throats been cut and my good old dad offers me a huge sausage roll he'd bought me for lunch not realising I was out. Bless him, I felt so guilty saying no to him that I had to have it....well that led to me eating a huge pork pie, some pringles, some nuts and some cheese on toast. And then amazingly I started to feel full. HA, I cant even binge properly anymore!
So I just made myself sick after pacing around for a while petrified I was going to die leaning over the toilet but not quite scared enough to not do it. I do have a bit of pain at the moment but nothing to worry about. I hope.
I was hoping to go on the treadmill aswell just to get rid of a few more calories but I left it so late to eat anything that it would be way too noisy this late :(
Im climbing up the walls wondering what I can do to burn some calories!
Roll on seeing my ED counsellor tomorrow...although I have another lunch to get through before I see her!
Bloody Christmas!
As I suspected........
I weighed myself almost as soon as I got out of bed this morning even though when I had gotten in bed last night, I had promised myself I wasnt going to. I had figured that it would just cause too much stress and that I would leave it until I couldnt possibly hold off stepping on the scales again and until then would try as much damage limitation as I could.
Then, this morning I woke up and seriously the first thought that popped into my head was 'I must get weighed'
It was like I was on auto pilot, I just went to the toilet [always do before I get weighed, Is this weird?] then walked robotically back to my room, got undressed [another weigh in ritual] and stepped onto the dreaded scales.
I almost didnt dare look at the numbers but then the voice in my head told me 'Go on then you fat cow, have a look at what you've done'......
3 FECKING POUNDS ON! FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT BITCH.
Im so angry with myself, I worked so hard to lose the 10lbs and then another 3lbs when I was ill and now just because I couldnt resist eating shitty christmas food thats laying around EVERYWHERE Im putting it back on. What an idiot.
To make matters worse, Im going for lunch with my brothers girlfriend today as its her birthday and I promised Id take her out. Then tomorrow Im meeting one of my best mates for lunch aswell and of course its bloody Christmas and the whole of this week will involve everyone stuffing there faces with food we shouldnt be.
Its not just the goose thats getting fat :(
Wish me luck with lunch today. The way Im feeling at the moment I just want to eat a massive portion of anything that may be on the menu and I also feel like getting totally drunk. This is my usual spiral into the depths of misery. I either buy shit loads of food, or a takeaway or get drunk and sit being a miserable fat cow.
Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la, la la la la
xxx-Sam-xxx
Monday, 21 December 2009
Tis the Season to be wobbly :(
Havent written in a while but here I am...spreading the joy haha!
Last time I wrote I was really ill and in loads of pain :(
I ended up going to hospital as the tablets Id got from my GP werent helping and the pain was actually getting worse and after a couple of days of not vomiting I started again and just didnt know what to do.
Believe it or not, I HATE vomiting when Im ill. Its the worse thing in the world, give me anything but vomiting! Sounds weird coming from a professional vomiter eh?
You just cant compare making yourself sick to the awful feeling of being totally out of control and being unable to stop your body from being sick of its own accord. Yuck!
Anyway, back to wha I was saying. I ended up in hospital having bloods taken and on IV fluids as I was mildly dehaydrated. They didnt find anything serious [pancratitis etc] and they said there was no trace of infection and that I was to just go home and 'ride out the pain' Yeh thanks Doc!
They did say that if he pain carries on after taking the Omeprazole for a month to go back and see my GP as it could be something like an ulcer :( :( :( SCARY.
I honestly have NEVER had pain as bad as I was having. It was coming on in waves and literally everytime I even had a sip of water it started. For almost 2 weeks I didnt leave the house, or even my room to be honest and spent most of the time just crying and begging any god that would listen to stop the pain.
Thankfully it started to ease off slightly, and then it wasnt lasting as long and now Im almost back to normal. Just getting a bit of pain with certain foods and I had a bottle of Budweiser at the cinema yesterday and bloody hell it really set me off. Was in agony all through the film and eating Rennies like they were going out of fashion!
Im not going to have as 'merry' [drunken] a Christmas as I had thought I would with not working Xmas for the first time in years as Im not going to be able to drink much at this rate. I actually went to my old works Xmas Party this weekend and only had 1 glass of wine as it was free! Almost unheard of for me as I do tend to over-do the booze, especially when Im stressed. So maybe its a good thing really! Plus when I booze, I binge, then you know the rest....
I thought me being ill and somehow scared me into never making myself sick again for the fear of causing all the pain again. And for a brief time it did. I was literally petrified I would end up dying leant over the toilet after having made an ulcer burst or something. But that fear is wearing off now that the pain is not constant. I also at the same time had/have a separate fear of putting on weight thorugh not being able to make myself sick. Aargh, confusing!
Its the WORST time of year for all this to be happening! All the booze and yummy food thats around is making me feel so out of control. I could hardly bear to eat anything whilst I was feeling so crap and did lose quite a bit of weight, but once my appetite finally came back I started to panic and feel guilty about eating as I still felt to crap to go on the treadmill or stick to anything like Weight Watchers.
I went back to work and we were getting loads of chocolates, biscuits, crips and other general party food crap given to us as presents and although I didnt go mad with it, I did eat loads more than I should have ad its been the same at home, we have so much junk food in the fridge, on the coffee table, everywhere.
I ahvent dared step on the scales but I must be putting the weight back on that I lost on Weight Watchers and then whilst being ill. Although one of my old wormates at the Xmas Party who hadnt seen me for a couple of months said to me 'Ooh you got skinny'! LOVE IT! And a few others said I looked 'tiny' and that I had lost weight! YAY!
Im thinking of weighing my self tomorrow...but not really sure if I dare, or even should as might spiral me out of control if the result is bad or worse than I expect. I managed to go on the treadmill today so Im hoping that I can keep doing that a few times this week to do some damage limitation.
I havent actually made myself sick since Ive been ill, but Im petrified of the time when I lose control and do it again. Terrified as I dont want to be in the grip of this shitty ED again, and terrified that I will and have already caused myself some seriuos damage.
Wish me luck over Christmas everyone.
Have a wonderful Chrismtas and New Year to anyone who may be reading this, and stay happy and safe :)
Lots of Love, S
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Last time I wrote I was really ill and in loads of pain :(
I ended up going to hospital as the tablets Id got from my GP werent helping and the pain was actually getting worse and after a couple of days of not vomiting I started again and just didnt know what to do.
Believe it or not, I HATE vomiting when Im ill. Its the worse thing in the world, give me anything but vomiting! Sounds weird coming from a professional vomiter eh?
You just cant compare making yourself sick to the awful feeling of being totally out of control and being unable to stop your body from being sick of its own accord. Yuck!
Anyway, back to wha I was saying. I ended up in hospital having bloods taken and on IV fluids as I was mildly dehaydrated. They didnt find anything serious [pancratitis etc] and they said there was no trace of infection and that I was to just go home and 'ride out the pain' Yeh thanks Doc!
They did say that if he pain carries on after taking the Omeprazole for a month to go back and see my GP as it could be something like an ulcer :( :( :( SCARY.
I honestly have NEVER had pain as bad as I was having. It was coming on in waves and literally everytime I even had a sip of water it started. For almost 2 weeks I didnt leave the house, or even my room to be honest and spent most of the time just crying and begging any god that would listen to stop the pain.
Thankfully it started to ease off slightly, and then it wasnt lasting as long and now Im almost back to normal. Just getting a bit of pain with certain foods and I had a bottle of Budweiser at the cinema yesterday and bloody hell it really set me off. Was in agony all through the film and eating Rennies like they were going out of fashion!
Im not going to have as 'merry' [drunken] a Christmas as I had thought I would with not working Xmas for the first time in years as Im not going to be able to drink much at this rate. I actually went to my old works Xmas Party this weekend and only had 1 glass of wine as it was free! Almost unheard of for me as I do tend to over-do the booze, especially when Im stressed. So maybe its a good thing really! Plus when I booze, I binge, then you know the rest....
I thought me being ill and somehow scared me into never making myself sick again for the fear of causing all the pain again. And for a brief time it did. I was literally petrified I would end up dying leant over the toilet after having made an ulcer burst or something. But that fear is wearing off now that the pain is not constant. I also at the same time had/have a separate fear of putting on weight thorugh not being able to make myself sick. Aargh, confusing!
Its the WORST time of year for all this to be happening! All the booze and yummy food thats around is making me feel so out of control. I could hardly bear to eat anything whilst I was feeling so crap and did lose quite a bit of weight, but once my appetite finally came back I started to panic and feel guilty about eating as I still felt to crap to go on the treadmill or stick to anything like Weight Watchers.
I went back to work and we were getting loads of chocolates, biscuits, crips and other general party food crap given to us as presents and although I didnt go mad with it, I did eat loads more than I should have ad its been the same at home, we have so much junk food in the fridge, on the coffee table, everywhere.
I ahvent dared step on the scales but I must be putting the weight back on that I lost on Weight Watchers and then whilst being ill. Although one of my old wormates at the Xmas Party who hadnt seen me for a couple of months said to me 'Ooh you got skinny'! LOVE IT! And a few others said I looked 'tiny' and that I had lost weight! YAY!
Im thinking of weighing my self tomorrow...but not really sure if I dare, or even should as might spiral me out of control if the result is bad or worse than I expect. I managed to go on the treadmill today so Im hoping that I can keep doing that a few times this week to do some damage limitation.
I havent actually made myself sick since Ive been ill, but Im petrified of the time when I lose control and do it again. Terrified as I dont want to be in the grip of this shitty ED again, and terrified that I will and have already caused myself some seriuos damage.
Wish me luck over Christmas everyone.
Have a wonderful Chrismtas and New Year to anyone who may be reading this, and stay happy and safe :)
Lots of Love, S
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Scared :(
I havent written the last few days as I have been really ill.
As you can see from my blogs, my bulimia went a bit crazy again and I was making myself sick loads more than I have been recently...and then on Friday [4th Dec] I suddenly started being sick that night, then it went off.
Then Saturday, similar thing happened and whenever I ate or drank, I felt and usually was sick. Sunday was awful, I literally couldnt get off my bed. Every movement made me sick, the smell of food, the smell of anything really made me sick.
I improved slightly by Monday and went back to work tuesday. But whilst at work I started getting a really bad pain right below my breast bone but above my belly button. Really intense pain suddenly coming on, then going away a few minutes later. It got so bad Tuesday night that my dad wanted to call an ambulance but I wouldnt let him coz I was so scared I would have to admit about my ED. Went to the doctors yesterday though as I was still in so much pain and crying almost constantly as I couldnt eat, drink or even move without bein in pain.
They think Ive torn my oesophagus basically from all the vomiting and got gastritis from having a really nasty stomach bug.
Have been given some medication to ease it and it has by like 1% but its still so painful :(
I know the stomach bug has been really bad and Ive been really sick with it and it probably would have caused this to happen, but Im petrified that Ive made it happen by making myself sick so much. Im petrified that Ive got an ulcer or something from my bulimia anf thats whats really causing it.
I just wish this pain could go away, Im so sick of it, and Im so hungry and thirsty
:(
It has made me petrified that when Im better, I will want to fall back into making myself sick again but will cause all this pain to come back. Which is then making me say to myself that I cant and wont make myself sick coz I dont want to feel like this...which then makes me panic that Im going to put weight back on.
Im so confused and in so much pain. Just wish it would go away.
As you can see from my blogs, my bulimia went a bit crazy again and I was making myself sick loads more than I have been recently...and then on Friday [4th Dec] I suddenly started being sick that night, then it went off.
Then Saturday, similar thing happened and whenever I ate or drank, I felt and usually was sick. Sunday was awful, I literally couldnt get off my bed. Every movement made me sick, the smell of food, the smell of anything really made me sick.
I improved slightly by Monday and went back to work tuesday. But whilst at work I started getting a really bad pain right below my breast bone but above my belly button. Really intense pain suddenly coming on, then going away a few minutes later. It got so bad Tuesday night that my dad wanted to call an ambulance but I wouldnt let him coz I was so scared I would have to admit about my ED. Went to the doctors yesterday though as I was still in so much pain and crying almost constantly as I couldnt eat, drink or even move without bein in pain.
They think Ive torn my oesophagus basically from all the vomiting and got gastritis from having a really nasty stomach bug.
Have been given some medication to ease it and it has by like 1% but its still so painful :(
I know the stomach bug has been really bad and Ive been really sick with it and it probably would have caused this to happen, but Im petrified that Ive made it happen by making myself sick so much. Im petrified that Ive got an ulcer or something from my bulimia anf thats whats really causing it.
I just wish this pain could go away, Im so sick of it, and Im so hungry and thirsty
:(
It has made me petrified that when Im better, I will want to fall back into making myself sick again but will cause all this pain to come back. Which is then making me say to myself that I cant and wont make myself sick coz I dont want to feel like this...which then makes me panic that Im going to put weight back on.
Im so confused and in so much pain. Just wish it would go away.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Dont Let Me Get Me....
Every day I fight a war against a mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
it's bad when you dont know yourself
so irratiting
don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Boringness
Well today went well/bad depending on what frame of mind Im in.
Normal would be a better choice of word.
I ate healthilly, and stuck to my points. I also took the dog out for a nice long walk after work and then after my tea went on the treadmill to try and wipe out any traces of fat that may be clinging to me after last nights binge. Although last night I obviously made myself sick and then went on the treadmill so hopefully I have nothing to worry about. But you never know.
Im surprised I didnt come home and binge today coz at dinner time at work, one of the other woman had 3 ryvita's for her dinner, I had 5! FIVE! How greedy is that!
But then a miracle happened and I somehow reasoned with myself that it was well within my points and was still a low cal, low fat lunch. Still felt like a fat cow tho!
Oh well, heres to tomorrow xxx
Normal would be a better choice of word.
I ate healthilly, and stuck to my points. I also took the dog out for a nice long walk after work and then after my tea went on the treadmill to try and wipe out any traces of fat that may be clinging to me after last nights binge. Although last night I obviously made myself sick and then went on the treadmill so hopefully I have nothing to worry about. But you never know.
Im surprised I didnt come home and binge today coz at dinner time at work, one of the other woman had 3 ryvita's for her dinner, I had 5! FIVE! How greedy is that!
But then a miracle happened and I somehow reasoned with myself that it was well within my points and was still a low cal, low fat lunch. Still felt like a fat cow tho!
Oh well, heres to tomorrow xxx
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