Gross

So after yesterday, I was feeling really scared and disgusted in myself after not being able to me sick and get rid of all the food Id shoved down my throat. As Vics commented on my last post,

you want to recover so really you dont want to purge.simple as that.this happens to me a lot, when i slip up and binge, and i find i cant purge, i rekon, its cos, in your head, really, you dont want to.

I totally agree with this, I think deep down I really didnt want to do it, maybe it was that tiny little voice again fighting back telling me I didnt need to do it and Id be ok if I didnt.
Anyway I tried to relax a bit and got a glass of wine and got in the bath with a good book and actually started to chill out a bit. I actually felt pretty good....but then as I was getting out of the bath, I suddenly had this huge feeling come over of me of absolute repulsion at my disgusting body. Right there and then I suddenly loomed over the toiler and managed to be sick until I literally had nothing left inside me.
Then of course I felt even worse about myself for the rest of the night.

All day today Ive felt hideous, have checked out my reflection in as many windows/mirrors etc that I can and pretty much beat the crap out of myself with comments in my head about disgusting and unattractive I am.
I miraculously managed to eat healhilly though...until my dad, good old dad who was just being nie to his daughter, came in from the shops and had bought me a box of chocolates! Down the hatch! And now I feel like crap.
Also, Ive just made the big mistake of weighing myself and I am actually in serious shock. I already knew I had put on weight.My clothes have been getting tighter and my face is much fatter, and that isnt just me imagining it for once........I have put on a stone from when Id lost weight before christmas.

I am completely appalled with myself for letting this happen, I feel so disgusting its unreal. Maybe a little too much info for you but I have just been stood naked infront of my mirror in tears at how hideous I look and petrified that I will end being back to the size I was when I was with my ex. Id have to pile another 2 stone on to look like that, but I honestly never thought Id get back up to the weight I am noe today. Im gutted xxx

HELP!

Help, help, help! I cant make myself sick!
I dont know what to do. Ive just eaten so, so much food and Ive just been desperateley tryign to make myself sick and its just not happening! I really dont understand it. It just wont come out. Ive just nearly burst my eyes out of my head and my stomach is killing but it wont come out.
What the hell am I meant to do? Im going to pile on yet more weight if I cant do something about this.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Still fighting!

Its been two days since I found the teeny tiny quite voice that told the loud, ominous and evil ED voice to GET LOST!
Im still fighting against that voice and Im doing ok. Yesterday, I took time out again to relax and focus on myself for a while and it felt good.
Despite having a slight hangover, where I usually jump at the opportunity to order a takeaway or make a greasy fry up to feed it, and then pay to the toilet god, I didnt! ED kept telling me I shoud do it, it would feel great if I did, go on, just do it! But, again, I fought against it and didnt cave in. I ate healthilly and ignored that annoying voice until it was just a whisper, defeated by that tiny positive voice that has been hidden and silenced for so long!

Im not going to be naive enough to believe that the ED side has been beaten into submission, god knows that its been hanging around for 13 years too long, but Im going to enjoy every minute that I manage to ignore it and try my best to keep fighting it. Ive been beating myself up for so long that its just so nice to have a positive voice in my head saying it will all be ok.
Even if that voice only sticks around for the next two days and then ED bites back with a vengence. I dont care, I know now that I can fight it, and I can ignore it. Im sure I'll feel down and end up binging again at some point, but Im going to try not to worry about when and where and how that will happen like I usually do, and just think that when it does happen, ED had better watch its back coz now I know that it has a weakness Im going to keep fighting it back!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Babysteps!

Yesterday something very strange happened...I was nice to myself!
After my counselling session on Friday, we had talked about me trying to spend a little time everyday to relax and to try and find something to distract me when I feel the need to binge.
So yesterday, I was feeling a little miserable and I kept getting the familiar urge to binge. I kept trying to ignore it and ate healthilly instead but that niggling feeling was still there and I was sure Id give in at some point. Anyway, I got so fed up of it and just wanted to escape from the idiotic voice telling me I should eat what I want and then be sick if I wanted to.
I decided to turn off all the lights in my room, just had some little flowery lights on that Ive got and lit my oil burner. I got all my cute little cushions which dont usually serve a purpose except looking pretty and cocooned myself in themmy bed and put on some relaxing native american cd's on that I bought recently. I was planning to just stay like this and focus on my breathing for about 15 minutes but I ended up listening to the whole cd. I felt so relaxed and refresshed afterwards!
Then after that I put on a facemask, and laid in the bath with a good book for almost an hour!
This may not seem much but for me to spend that much time on myself is amazing!
Oh yeh.....after that, I actually went and booked myself a full body swedish massage for next week when Im off work! I cant wait for it!

Another amazing thing happened yesterday aswell. I went round to my friends house last night for a drink. We usually always do the same thing when we got there, we sit and watch dvd's or listen to music, chat, have a drink and......order a takeaway. Its like a ritual, the evening must end in greasy food!
But instead of my eyes lighting up and me thinking 'great I'll have this, and this and this and this and then I'll be able to make myself sick'...that didnt happen.
I ordered something, just like everyone else, and I enjoyed every mouthful but stopped eating when I was full. I didnt force myself to eat it all until I literally felt physically sick.
I did feel slightly guilty still that after being healthy all day, I had eaten something bad. But I somehow had this really positive voice just telling me, 'Its ok, tomorrow is a new day, just try again and do something nice for yourself again and dont beat yourself up!'

I am still getting the evil ED voice trying to chip in [in a voice a little quieter and further away than usual] and tell me what an idiot I was to eat it and how weak I was to keep the food inside me but you know what, that voice can PISS OFF! I made a mistake and I dont care, so leave me alone, your not ruining my day today!

Low, low, low, low

I feel like I should write something today, just because Im feeling so low. Due to money worries last week I really was at rock bottom and was making myself sick loads, a few times a day some days which I havent done for a while. Im not as bad this week, still biging and purging but ever so slightly more positive. Tonight though Im feelig sorry for myself as Im in on my own on a Friday with nothing to do, apart from of course show an indian takeaway down my neck and then vomit. Now Im moping about drinking and feeling sorry for myself. Wish I could snap out of it.
This stupid dark side of me that tells me Im a fat cow and that Im not good enough is looming over me today and wont bugger off! GO AWAY! YOU ARENT WELCOME HERE!