Today did actually start of really well.
Its my way in day on a Monday so this morning I stepped on the scales full of dread thinking about all the crap I shovelled down my throat this weekend [ok I did sick most of it up] and amazingly, I have lost another 3 lbs! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So I went to work feeling good about myself and glad Id shifted some more of the fat. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, sticking well to my Weight Watchers points.
After work tonight, I was supposed to be meeting my old workmates for tea [I started a new job about 5-6 weeks ago], anyway for some reason as they day went on, I started to feel more and more nervous about meeting them all after not seeing them for a few weeks and panicking about eating in fron of them all. I really dont know why. I had been looking forward to it for ages, and Ive spent the last 2 and a half years eating infront of them [ok most of the time they only ever saw me eat vegetable soup] but I just couldnt stop thinking about it.
Anyway, now Im sat at home on my own feeling miserable yet again because I cancelled telling them I had gone to my car to discover it had been vandalised by stupid little chavs and I couldnt come as I was sorting it out. [Thats actually true, except that happened this morning before I went to work but they joy of losing 3 more pounds drowned the anger a little.]
Instead of the healthy veg chilli I was going to make for tea, I made a big fat curry with naan bread and rice, have eaten 3 packets of crisps, a massive bar of Galaxy, pork pie and peperami!
I am so annoyed with myself, Im such a bloody idiot and hate myself for doing it. But at the same time, I have a different feeling, as though its my special little thing. Almost like an old friend, I dont know if that even makes sense. I dont know how to word it?
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 30 November 2009
Sunday, 29 November 2009
What a surprise
Well its happened, I caved in.
Im sat here now feeling like a disgusting, fat cow. Ive just eaten 4 slices of toast, 4 slices of bacon, 2 fried eggs, beans, super noodles, 6 kitkats, and randomly 2 pork pies and I feel so ashamed of myself.
Im so mad that Ive yet again completely lost control.
I am or was in the 'healty eating cycle' of the never ending whirlwind of a relationship with food.
Thats what I do, I go through the full on binge and puke stage for weeks/months, then I somehow snap out of it and just start eating 'normally', then I realise that oh shit, Ive put on weight again, so I try to be healthy about it and join Weight Watchers...it all goes well for a few weeks and then, usually at a weekend alcohol destroys my willpower and terrified that Im going to ruin all the hard work Ive done, I decide to be sick to get rid of all the bad things Ive had and shouldnt have done.
Ive been doing weight watchers for almost 4 weeks now and have lost 7 lbs and feel much better for it, obviously I still think I should have done better but thats another story. And then last weekend I had too much to drink and pigged out when I got home. Amazingly I didnt make myself sick after and just passed out on my bed, but the next day, I was basically starving myself to claw back the weight watchers points Id massively gone over the night before, but after a piddly bowl of soup, I felt guilty. I made myself sick for the 1st time in 2-3 weeks, which trust me is a real achievement and Ive carried on spirallying out of control ever since all week.
Ive also developed an obsession with my treadmill this week. Even after Ive made myself sick, Im convinced that my stupid fat body is clinging onto every last calorie of the food that Ive eaten and vomitted, so Ive been going on the treadmill to almost the point of collapse to try and get rid of any of the leftover claories and fat.
Anyway, Ive just heard the bathroom become free so Id better go and get rid of all this vile food inside of me before I put on 15 stone. Then later I will go on the treadmill again...just incase xxx
Im sat here now feeling like a disgusting, fat cow. Ive just eaten 4 slices of toast, 4 slices of bacon, 2 fried eggs, beans, super noodles, 6 kitkats, and randomly 2 pork pies and I feel so ashamed of myself.
Im so mad that Ive yet again completely lost control.
I am or was in the 'healty eating cycle' of the never ending whirlwind of a relationship with food.
Thats what I do, I go through the full on binge and puke stage for weeks/months, then I somehow snap out of it and just start eating 'normally', then I realise that oh shit, Ive put on weight again, so I try to be healthy about it and join Weight Watchers...it all goes well for a few weeks and then, usually at a weekend alcohol destroys my willpower and terrified that Im going to ruin all the hard work Ive done, I decide to be sick to get rid of all the bad things Ive had and shouldnt have done.
Ive been doing weight watchers for almost 4 weeks now and have lost 7 lbs and feel much better for it, obviously I still think I should have done better but thats another story. And then last weekend I had too much to drink and pigged out when I got home. Amazingly I didnt make myself sick after and just passed out on my bed, but the next day, I was basically starving myself to claw back the weight watchers points Id massively gone over the night before, but after a piddly bowl of soup, I felt guilty. I made myself sick for the 1st time in 2-3 weeks, which trust me is a real achievement and Ive carried on spirallying out of control ever since all week.
Ive also developed an obsession with my treadmill this week. Even after Ive made myself sick, Im convinced that my stupid fat body is clinging onto every last calorie of the food that Ive eaten and vomitted, so Ive been going on the treadmill to almost the point of collapse to try and get rid of any of the leftover claories and fat.
Anyway, Ive just heard the bathroom become free so Id better go and get rid of all this vile food inside of me before I put on 15 stone. Then later I will go on the treadmill again...just incase xxx
Bloody alcohol!
Ok...I hate to start this thing off with a depressing post but thats what Im going to do!
I was planning to start this by describing when my eating problems started and whats happened since then etc but now Im just going to moan, moan, moan about my night last night!
I went out with some friends and actually had a really good night...then I saw the guy I fancy and was seeing for a little while [secretly as we were best mates though school so we didnt want anyone to know incase they thought it was weird...and I had a miscarriage to last year :(]
Ok so whats so bad about seeing a guy I fancy? Well after Id seen him, I started texting him to try and arrange to meet him later in the night but by the time Id plucked up the courage to text him, he'd gone home and was actually in bed.
But the drunken fat cow that I am, I carried on texting him saying stupid things to him and now Im so embarassed! If only you could see some of the things I text him, I need shooting in the head, Im so embarassing!
So by now you probably think Im being a drama queen but its really made me feel like shit. And now, all I want to do is eat, eat, eat and then pray to the toilet god that I know so well. The fact that Im starving through being hungover isnt helping either. I know at some point today I will end up having a massive binge session and then sick it all up but at the moment Im putting it off for as long as I can so I dont have to feel like the fat disgusting cow that I am.
God I hate myself
Welcome to my blog haha, what a happy place! xxx
I was planning to start this by describing when my eating problems started and whats happened since then etc but now Im just going to moan, moan, moan about my night last night!
I went out with some friends and actually had a really good night...then I saw the guy I fancy and was seeing for a little while [secretly as we were best mates though school so we didnt want anyone to know incase they thought it was weird...and I had a miscarriage to last year :(]
Ok so whats so bad about seeing a guy I fancy? Well after Id seen him, I started texting him to try and arrange to meet him later in the night but by the time Id plucked up the courage to text him, he'd gone home and was actually in bed.
But the drunken fat cow that I am, I carried on texting him saying stupid things to him and now Im so embarassed! If only you could see some of the things I text him, I need shooting in the head, Im so embarassing!
So by now you probably think Im being a drama queen but its really made me feel like shit. And now, all I want to do is eat, eat, eat and then pray to the toilet god that I know so well. The fact that Im starving through being hungover isnt helping either. I know at some point today I will end up having a massive binge session and then sick it all up but at the moment Im putting it off for as long as I can so I dont have to feel like the fat disgusting cow that I am.
God I hate myself
Welcome to my blog haha, what a happy place! xxx
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