I havent written the last few days as I have been really ill.
As you can see from my blogs, my bulimia went a bit crazy again and I was making myself sick loads more than I have been recently...and then on Friday [4th Dec] I suddenly started being sick that night, then it went off.
Then Saturday, similar thing happened and whenever I ate or drank, I felt and usually was sick. Sunday was awful, I literally couldnt get off my bed. Every movement made me sick, the smell of food, the smell of anything really made me sick.
I improved slightly by Monday and went back to work tuesday. But whilst at work I started getting a really bad pain right below my breast bone but above my belly button. Really intense pain suddenly coming on, then going away a few minutes later. It got so bad Tuesday night that my dad wanted to call an ambulance but I wouldnt let him coz I was so scared I would have to admit about my ED. Went to the doctors yesterday though as I was still in so much pain and crying almost constantly as I couldnt eat, drink or even move without bein in pain.
They think Ive torn my oesophagus basically from all the vomiting and got gastritis from having a really nasty stomach bug.
Have been given some medication to ease it and it has by like 1% but its still so painful :(
I know the stomach bug has been really bad and Ive been really sick with it and it probably would have caused this to happen, but Im petrified that Ive made it happen by making myself sick so much. Im petrified that Ive got an ulcer or something from my bulimia anf thats whats really causing it.
I just wish this pain could go away, Im so sick of it, and Im so hungry and thirsty
:(
It has made me petrified that when Im better, I will want to fall back into making myself sick again but will cause all this pain to come back. Which is then making me say to myself that I cant and wont make myself sick coz I dont want to feel like this...which then makes me panic that Im going to put weight back on.
Im so confused and in so much pain. Just wish it would go away.
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Oh hun, i really really feel for you.I wish i could help you. I know exactly what you mean-I've got myself into that state a few times now, and the first thing that comes into my head is that i need to start purging again. Sweetie you just have to hold on, i know im such a hypocrite here:) but you are worth this, i promise you. It kind of hit me, reading what happened to you, and hun, i just want to protect you from this shit, but like you say, it seems almost insignificant with myself.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any help for your ED at all?Im guessing your parents dont know, but does anyone else? If you want you can email me anytime to talk, if you dont want to on here, its vkbaker@hotmail.co.uk, and you can rant as much as you like, good to get it all out :)
Take lots of care of yourself sweetie
lots of love, Vic xxx