I knew today was going to be a bad day...
I went for a lovely lunch with my bro's girlfriend and was in a crappy mood so was expecting to eat piles and piles of food to comfort myself. I wasnt as bad as I thought I would be but I did order a really stodgy meal with chips : BAD BAD BAD
Anyway, I went home feeling very full and very guilty for not choosing something healthier. But I was still scared enough by being ill the past few weeks to not dare make myself sick. So off I trotted to walk my dog in the snow to burn some calories. I felt much better after that and promised myself not to have anything else to eat or to at least only have some home made veg soup if I had to....
Cut to later on when my stomach thinks my throats been cut and my good old dad offers me a huge sausage roll he'd bought me for lunch not realising I was out. Bless him, I felt so guilty saying no to him that I had to have it....well that led to me eating a huge pork pie, some pringles, some nuts and some cheese on toast. And then amazingly I started to feel full. HA, I cant even binge properly anymore!
So I just made myself sick after pacing around for a while petrified I was going to die leaning over the toilet but not quite scared enough to not do it. I do have a bit of pain at the moment but nothing to worry about. I hope.
I was hoping to go on the treadmill aswell just to get rid of a few more calories but I left it so late to eat anything that it would be way too noisy this late :(
Im climbing up the walls wondering what I can do to burn some calories!
Roll on seeing my ED counsellor tomorrow...although I have another lunch to get through before I see her!
Bloody Christmas!
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Hey Hun,
ReplyDeleteHow did it go with your ED counsellor today?
Well, when i first found out about my ulcer, i was being a bit of an idiot-i've been bulimic for nearly 13 years, my mum had ED too, so grew up with those kinda ideas. And thing is, was in denial about ED being a problem, was just something i lived with.so when they first told me, i was in hosp, literally crying it hurt so much (and if you need incentive to not purge-there are not words to describe how much it HURTS!) cos id ruptured it purging. I kind of didnt take it seriously until a couple of weeks later, when i went to see my GP, who's really nice, and he kind of gave me a bit of a pep talk. After that i was determined to recover, its just a long slow process. Once id accepted it was something that i couldnt just ignore, i worked real hard to cut down on purging, and it worked until life got a bit crazy and i had a massive relapse. The thing is, the fear of hurting it more, and knowing that you really cant purge, was enough to stress me out until i ended up binging.
So i guess now im back to slowely cutting the purging down.
I think you did great going out for meals, is fantastic you did that, i cant bear to eat with other people.
Take lots of care of yourself
love Vic xxx
Ive had an ED for 13 years too, started when I was 13, and will be 26 in Jan. Your 25 too arent you? We could be twins haha!
ReplyDeleteUntil recently, with all the ulcer crap, Ive kept thinking I was kind of invincible and that sort of 'Wow, Ive had an ED so long and its never affected me in all the ways you read about etc' ....
But then this year, after having perfect teeth all my life, Ive started having terrible trouble with my gums, my teeth are getting really brittle, Im getting horrible red scars on my right knuckles and one part of my wrist from the acid when I make myself sick and then finally, all this acid and ulcer stuff.
So now Ive finally realised I cant hide any longer and that I really will do myself some damage if I dont sort this out.
I only ever asked for help myself probably about 3 years ago from my GP, and I saw the counseellor there about 2 times, a few months apart and I knew that was never going to help not being very regular. So of course, I gave up and got worse and worse.
Until about 14 months ago, I carried on pressing the self destruct button and then I dont know why, but I suddenly blurted it all out to my manager in a sickness meeting [I had been having loads of time off work]
She was really good and referred me to our NHS counselling service for employees and after 10 sessions they referred me to South Yorkshire Eating Disoerder Association and my counseller there is brilliant. Shes so nice and laid back and really easy to talk to. Although I still fell so messed up, she really has helped me loads and Im deling with loads of issues I have just brushed aside in the past.
Hopefully Im going to be strong enough to get over this, and you too hun xxxxxxxxxxxx
haha twins indeed lol. I've never spoken to anyone else that has delt with this for a real long time. I think a big part of the problem is how habitual it becomes.
ReplyDeleteToo right you are going to get over this missy! I'm real glad that you are getting help, i swear half the battle is not only admitting whats happening to someone, but then getting them to take you seriously enough to help. My Gp is fab, and i dont think i would have said anything to anyone if he hadnt been so nice. The trouble now is waiting for the mental health trust to sort out their politics-Cos the eating disorder service wont see me because they think im too depressed to cope with edu therapy(???), and the mental health trusy wont give me counselling because they think (obviously!)that bulimia is my primary prob and should be seen by the ED service. Though when i ended up at the hosp with my stomach issues again, the consultant went nuts that ED service wernt currently seeing me, so hopefully this might change soon.
I know what you mean about teeth!i am sooo scared of dentist, but really cant put it off much longer...nothing hurts, but sure this doesnt mean all is good!I had such issues with my gums, have found that rinsing mouth out with bicarb helps, also mouthwash stuff called oraldine has helped settle it down and improved them a bit. I look lush at the mo lol, all around my mouth and chin, skin is all red and manky, is getting dissolved by acid, nice!
I hope your christmas was ok!you keep going girl, and your going to do fab!im glad i found your blog :) is strangely like reading about myself sometimes!!
take lots of care xxxxxxxxxx