Tis the Season to be wobbly :(

Havent written in a while but here I am...spreading the joy haha!
Last time I wrote I was really ill and in loads of pain :(
I ended up going to hospital as the tablets Id got from my GP werent helping and the pain was actually getting worse and after a couple of days of not vomiting I started again and just didnt know what to do.
Believe it or not, I HATE vomiting when Im ill. Its the worse thing in the world, give me anything but vomiting! Sounds weird coming from a professional vomiter eh?
You just cant compare making yourself sick to the awful feeling of being totally out of control and being unable to stop your body from being sick of its own accord. Yuck!
Anyway, back to wha I was saying. I ended up in hospital having bloods taken and on IV fluids as I was mildly dehaydrated. They didnt find anything serious [pancratitis etc] and they said there was no trace of infection and that I was to just go home and 'ride out the pain' Yeh thanks Doc!
They did say that if he pain carries on after taking the Omeprazole for a month to go back and see my GP as it could be something like an ulcer :( :( :( SCARY.

I honestly have NEVER had pain as bad as I was having. It was coming on in waves and literally everytime I even had a sip of water it started. For almost 2 weeks I didnt leave the house, or even my room to be honest and spent most of the time just crying and begging any god that would listen to stop the pain.
Thankfully it started to ease off slightly, and then it wasnt lasting as long and now Im almost back to normal. Just getting a bit of pain with certain foods and I had a bottle of Budweiser at the cinema yesterday and bloody hell it really set me off. Was in agony all through the film and eating Rennies like they were going out of fashion!

Im not going to have as 'merry' [drunken] a Christmas as I had thought I would with not working Xmas for the first time in years as Im not going to be able to drink much at this rate. I actually went to my old works Xmas Party this weekend and only had 1 glass of wine as it was free! Almost unheard of for me as I do tend to over-do the booze, especially when Im stressed. So maybe its a good thing really! Plus when I booze, I binge, then you know the rest....

I thought me being ill and somehow scared me into never making myself sick again for the fear of causing all the pain again. And for a brief time it did. I was literally petrified I would end up dying leant over the toilet after having made an ulcer burst or something. But that fear is wearing off now that the pain is not constant. I also at the same time had/have a separate fear of putting on weight thorugh not being able to make myself sick. Aargh, confusing!
Its the WORST time of year for all this to be happening! All the booze and yummy food thats around is making me feel so out of control. I could hardly bear to eat anything whilst I was feeling so crap and did lose quite a bit of weight, but once my appetite finally came back I started to panic and feel guilty about eating as I still felt to crap to go on the treadmill or stick to anything like Weight Watchers.
I went back to work and we were getting loads of chocolates, biscuits, crips and other general party food crap given to us as presents and although I didnt go mad with it, I did eat loads more than I should have ad its been the same at home, we have so much junk food in the fridge, on the coffee table, everywhere.
I ahvent dared step on the scales but I must be putting the weight back on that I lost on Weight Watchers and then whilst being ill. Although one of my old wormates at the Xmas Party who hadnt seen me for a couple of months said to me 'Ooh you got skinny'! LOVE IT! And a few others said I looked 'tiny' and that I had lost weight! YAY!

Im thinking of weighing my self tomorrow...but not really sure if I dare, or even should as might spiral me out of control if the result is bad or worse than I expect. I managed to go on the treadmill today so Im hoping that I can keep doing that a few times this week to do some damage limitation.
I havent actually made myself sick since Ive been ill, but Im petrified of the time when I lose control and do it again. Terrified as I dont want to be in the grip of this shitty ED again, and terrified that I will and have already caused myself some seriuos damage.

Wish me luck over Christmas everyone.

Have a wonderful Chrismtas and New Year to anyone who may be reading this, and stay happy and safe :)

Lots of Love, S
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