you want to recover so really you dont want to purge.simple as that.this happens to me a lot, when i slip up and binge, and i find i cant purge, i rekon, its cos, in your head, really, you dont want to.
I totally agree with this, I think deep down I really didnt want to do it, maybe it was that tiny little voice again fighting back telling me I didnt need to do it and Id be ok if I didnt.
Anyway I tried to relax a bit and got a glass of wine and got in the bath with a good book and actually started to chill out a bit. I actually felt pretty good....but then as I was getting out of the bath, I suddenly had this huge feeling come over of me of absolute repulsion at my disgusting body. Right there and then I suddenly loomed over the toiler and managed to be sick until I literally had nothing left inside me.
Then of course I felt even worse about myself for the rest of the night.
All day today Ive felt hideous, have checked out my reflection in as many windows/mirrors etc that I can and pretty much beat the crap out of myself with comments in my head about disgusting and unattractive I am.
I miraculously managed to eat healhilly though...until my dad, good old dad who was just being nie to his daughter, came in from the shops and had bought me a box of chocolates! Down the hatch! And now I feel like crap.
Also, Ive just made the big mistake of weighing myself and I am actually in serious shock. I already knew I had put on weight.My clothes have been getting tighter and my face is much fatter, and that isnt just me imagining it for once........I have put on a stone from when Id lost weight before christmas.
I am completely appalled with myself for letting this happen, I feel so disgusting its unreal. Maybe a little too much info for you but I have just been stood naked infront of my mirror in tears at how hideous I look and petrified that I will end being back to the size I was when I was with my ex. Id have to pile another 2 stone on to look like that, but I honestly never thought Id get back up to the weight I am noe today. Im gutted xxx
babe, its ok.it really is.firstky, be roud of the fact that you mamanged to delay purging anyway-that is a difficult enough thing to do, and you managed to sit with the feeling, and even have a chill out, so be really pleased with yourself for that. I really do belive the 'you cant purge cos you dont really want to thing' and when im having a bad time, i just keep saying it to myself.
ReplyDeletedont be appaled with yourself-be proud that you did as well as you could:)we all slip up, its enivitable, but i guess what counts is what you want to happen next.your going to be ok love.
you might not like this bit very much, but i shall write it anyway!:p
whilst in recovery from the bulimia, the average person does gain a little under a stone, as your body adjusts to having food in it for longer than ten minutes again!i hate hate hate this, but il know when im doing well with my recovery when i accept that this happens.my doc is always telling me that you shouldnt tryt and fix your weight in recovery from bulimia-how ironic-that that a big part of it is learning to sit with it, and when you have learned healthier thinking patterns, you can correct your weight the healthy way, balanced eating, a little exercise, that kind of thing, if its a problem. hes always telling me hed much rather i ate crap everyday and didnt throw it up, as long as i was keeping something in.
so i know its scary, and its horrible, but girl you can totally do it!
lots of love
vics x
Thanks Vics :)
ReplyDeleteYou always have such good advice! I really, really, really wish the best for you, your so lovely!
This recovery lark is very scary and very frustrating. It even feels wierd saying the word 'recovery' as I dont think I can quite grasp yet that thats whats happening as for so long Ive avoided even trying to get better.
Thanks again hun, Sam xxx